Building Spiritually Fulfilling Marital Relationships: How to Break Destructive Relational Patterns

By Dér Stépanos Dingilian, Ph.D. © 1999

Often couples enter into a destructive pattern of arguing and picking on one another. It seems that no matter what one says, the other finds fault with it. Does this mean that these couples stopped loving one another? Not necessarily. Rather, it means that they cannot spiritually communicate together. They cannot share the intimate details of their life and that is why they continuously argue. In order to overcome this lack of intimacy, the couple need to consciously learn to spiritually communicate with each another. In other words, they need to consciously learn to understand each other, have compassion towards one another, resolve their conflicts and learn to kiss and make up. Here are some steps for developing spiritual communication.

A. Set the Appropriate Expectations The decision has to be made and expectations have to be established as to whether a relationship will be spiritually deep or superficial. This is a much more conscious decision than most people realize. If a couple will have a spiritually deep relationship, they will constantly invest time and effort searching for and affirming God’s presence and guidance in their relationship. If instead they sense that their relationship ‘is good enough’ and they don’t need God’s help, their relationship will remain superficial. The deeper the relationship they seek, the greater effort and longer time investment is necessary. But, the greater their investment, the more fulfilling and uplifting their relationship will become.

B. Recognize Destructive Patterns Most relationships are better off than a couple expect, and far more free from major destructive patterns then they realize. Yet, it is the smaller issues that cause misunderstandings, create frustrations, spill over to other areas of a relationship and result in spiritually and emotionally destructive patterns. The root of these patterns must be recognized and dealt with, otherwise the pattern will prevail. The eluding reality is that often the root causes for destructive patterns are not in the couples’ relationship, but rather buried in the unconscious patterns that they have learned as children.

C. Stop Reinforcing Destructive Patterns The way to overcome destructive relational patterns is to concentrate on the present as opposed to projecting backward or forward. Projecting backward means eliminating thoughts and statements such as "You never listen to me!" or "You always spend all the money we have!" By emphasizing the past destructive behavior, one generally reinforces it instead of stopping it. Projecting forward sets up a similar pattern: "You’ll never listen to me!" or "No matter how much money we have, you’ll always want more!" It would seem that such statements should help the other person awaken to his or her inappropriate behavior. Instead, it actually reinforces the undesirable. A couple needs to break such patterns.

D. Concentrate on the Current Situation Instead of dwelling on projecting backward or forward, eliminate the side comments, and concentrate on the facts of the current situation. This helps put the situation in context, and allows for discussing that which actually transpired. Generally, the emotions one feels during a miscommunication over a minor issue are actually because of either projecting backward (such as frustration) or projecting forward (such as anxiety). Of course, no matter how small or large, issues will still have to be resolved and cannot be ignored.

E. Seek to Understand the Other’s Intentions for this Situation Part of the frustration of such miscommunication patterns is that even when one intends to do something good for the other, it is misunderstood. Then it is like adding insult to injury: "Not only am I not appreciated, but on top of that I am accused of being insensitive and undermining our relationship!" The key is to listen to the other’s reasoning and understand why that step was taken. Only in doing so will the essence of that relationship and experience begin to emerge. Remember, if the couple comes together seeking God’s guidance, then He will reveal the essence through Christ. Every couple has this guarantee!

source: http://www.hopeforfamily.org/fullfilling.html